if anybody has an extra two grand laying around

i'd like this stella mccartney dress for new year's..

just saying...

k hi 3 days and counting...

ya so maybe i won't blog much anymore.
dunno.
i work today tomorrow and then half day friday
but they are taking me out to breakfast on friday
so really i won't be here much.

and i don't have the innerwebs at home. yet.
and then there's also that little thing about me not HAVING A JOB anymore. ya, that's kinda creeping me out. not as much as you'd think though.
if the guy i interviewed with emails to say he's hired someone else... uh.. then i can imagine that i'll do a little freak out. yeah.
but until then? it's blog until you puke.

just kidding i have to erase all the incriminating stuff off this computer and clean my office and i should probably be applying to other jobs too just in case the basket with all my eggs in it gets dropped. heh.

i was going to tell you a story about the korean guy that i rented an apartment from in los angeles. koreatown to be exact. south k town. pico and normandie. not exactly high class but for $450 a month for a one bedroom you really couldn't beat it.

dude didn't even ask for a security deposit. and as we were living in a van and eating out of church food boxes... we fucking jumped on it. (actually i called my mom and dad and had them wire the $450 for the first month.) then we moved in!

it was after we handed over the $450 and started to "unpack" the van that we realized there was no refrigerator. and no stove. or oven.

ya we weren't really thinking clearly. but $450? fuck!

that wasn't the story i was going to tell you. i'll save the mr lee story for another day...

my 3 year old nephew wants to tell you a joke...

knock knock
(who's there?)
banana
(banana who?)
banana orange, aren't you glad i said knock knock?

if you can't say anything nice...

not to rub it in, but...

'nuf said

The website describes Kali Ma as "the fierce Hindu goddess who slays demons and liberates you from the constriction of your negative thoughts. She destroys all obstacles and frees you from the darkness of your fears." While Ganesh "removes all obstacles, destroys evil and provides you with protection on your journey." I'm sure all you Hindus out there in God's Own Country appreciate the freely flowing puns.

sweet baby jesus you know how much i hate courtney love, right?

but i really need the hole version of pale blue eyes emailed to me if you have it, please.

kalipornia[at]gmail[dot]com

i'll take the velvet lou version too as long as you have it...

fucking christ i must be in love.

oh ya FTTW column today!

am i supposed to be writing about the holidays?

well ok then, here's something weird...

if you know me at all you'll know that i've uh dated a lot. and i've never really shielded my family from all of that. in fact, there's a running joke in my family about there being a different guy attached to my arm in pictures of each holiday occasion or other celebration.

i mean, it's kinda true. i was with one dude for four years but we lived 2500 miles away so he didn't make it into too many pictures.

seriously though, in the last ten years it has slowed down considerably. but, even so, may family has always been so very accommodating. always letting my sig o (heh) sleep in the same room and bed with me, never saying anything about the inappropriateness (is that a word? innappropriatousity? heh) of that. i mean, my parents are pretty devout christians, but have never said anything to me about that behavior.

so. i say all of this to set up the fact that though i've only been seeing my gentleman for a few weeks, it wouldn't be unheard of for me to take him home for christmas.

i mean i really want to. i have a feeling he's going to be around for a while and i also am going to miss him for the four days that i'm gone.

so what's stopping me?

well, the sinking feeling that it would be disrepectful to my family (especially my dad for some reason) for me to sleep in the same room with him. wtf is that? i've never felt that way before?

i am getting more sensitive toward other people's feelings? is it about my feelings toward him? i mean, i have this desire to conduct myself appropriately in this relationship as in no other before. i've changed, i want my behavior to reflect that.

hmm. weird but i think i'm acting like an adult... shhh don't tell anyone.

right the fuck on!

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Mytho-poetic scholars say that honey symbolizes emotional maturity. When it appears in your dreams or reveries, it may mean you're expanding your capacity to experience feelings that are positive and healthy for you. It suggests you're ready to shed distorted psychological patterns that you unwittingly absorbed as a child, and replace them with new imprints that are in harmony with your highest values. Since 2007 will bring opportunities for you to do these exact things, Virgo, I suggest that you give honey an honored place in your life. Maybe buy some of the best stuff on the market, put it in a fine decanter, and keep it on an altar in your bedroom. Happy Holy Daze!

thanks daibh this shit is hilarious

get a fucking life

uhm ok so ya.
have i told you that i'm dating someone?

NO?!?!

how could i be so INSENSITIVE?

heh.

yes i guess you could call it dating.
more like in love i want to marry him and have his babies and live together forever happily ever am i getting ahead of myself only slightly holy cow how did this happen???

creep. i'm a creep i know but i don't fucking care this shit totally blind sided me and i can't lie about it i'd only be doing myself a disservice.

k let's just say some stuff here that's new for me. this guy is completely available. and i don't just mean that he's not in the midst of a seperation from his wife which in and of itself would be PROGRESS PEOPLE seriously, wtf? ya so no ex-wife, no kids... also he's available emotionally. i know. weird. what the fuck is he doing hanging out with me, right?

ok, more... uh... he's three years older than me, clean for many more years than i, he (get this) LIKES punk rock, documentaries, museums and long walks on the beach. ok i just added that last part in there to see if you were paying attention, but still i'm in GAY MODE to the FULLEST because as i was typing it i was thinking "aw that would be nice a long walk on the beach with him..." i told you GAY GAY GAY as my boy dog GAY!

so get this... we were friends FIRST. not like friends for three days wow he's really deep now i'm going to MOVE HIM IN friends, but real friends. like OH MY GOD I'VE BEEN ACTING LIKE MYSELF THIS WHOLE TIME DAMAGE CONTROL!!? but really, he apparently likes me for who i really am. he was there for the whole cheating on my boyfriend trying to find the real me, drug addict liar extrordinaire thing and still he thinks i'm a good person.

so nevermind the fact that our first real date was the best day ever... yesterday he bought me a CHRISTMAS TREE AND SET IT UP IN MY HOUSE!!!! awwww...

ya and there's just so much more but i can't tell you now because uh crimony i can't be ALL GAY ALL DAY...

available

now dude wants me to swear to him... stalker...

VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Here's the bad news. Sometimes your perfectionism verges on being a sophisticated death trip--a manic compulsion to trap life inside a tight little cell where no change is allowed. Here's the good news: You now have the power to strip away the pathological part of your perfectionism and liberate the healthy core of it. Please swear to me that you'll figure out how to be more fluid and playful with your zeal for excellence. Spend less time running your mind in vicious circles and more time running your mind in upward spirals.

how much truth to tell

because i want to keep a little to myself... i mean it's my life so it's only fair. suffice it to say that i couldn't be more excited and scared at the same time.

and man, let me tell you something, people... you can change. no shit you can change. you can change that behavior that's been eating you up.

i did.

but the first thing i had to do was to stop fucking beating myself up for doing it.

i mean if beating myself up for doing it made me stop doing it then well i wouldn't be sitting there beating myself up for doing it, right?

so, STOP BEATING YOURSELF UP FOR DOING IT, silly.
give yourself a break.

breathe. breathing is highly underrated.

now for a sad story. and then i'll end with something good, i swear.

last night a scene from the NBS movie of the week was recreated on my doorstep... i was walking my dogs and i turned the last corner to make the approach to my rowhouse and there in the streetlight i saw a figure. dressed in skull cap, black leather jacket with studs, shorts, and hi-tops. holding a bag of bananas. pounding on my door. "i know you're in there! i see your car!"

it's him.

"hey shithead what're you yelling for?"
"oh hey! there you are. i brought you some bananas."

he's not there. i mean, he's there. he's. just. vacant. we sit on my doorstep and talk for a few minutes. i don't invite him in. it's obviously very painful for him to have a conversation with me. he can't look into my eyes. the witty bright young man i know is not there. the charming personality is trapped in a veil of synthetic opioid. his voice is shakey. he can't sit still. he tries to pick up my dog and she bites him. god she used to love that guy. my guess is that she doesn't even recognize him.

i don't even recognize him.

i sit there making small talk trying to figure out why he'd put himself through all this pain. not the drugs. the drugs i understand. what i don't understand is why he keeps making contact when it's clear he's so uncomfortable doing so.

we hug, he heads on his way. says he'll be at the meeting tomorrow. i say we'd love to have him. there. quit killing yourself, kid. thanks for the bananas.

...


ok and i promised i would tell you something good... uhm let's see, which one should i tell??? i'll be very stingy and tell you this one:

that fucking guy is in town (ok near town) and i'm leaving work to go get sushi with him!! how exciting!

ok i'll give you another...

i had a very promising job interview this morning!

not enough?

ah well, tough shit... you'll just have to be patient...

seriously? the cake should've been red inside...

first things first

go help raymi drop a dooce.
(i fucking crack myself up over here)
click this here thingy and vote
it will make the baby jesus happy


uhm ok so what's new? i've a decided to not define myself by what i do, thanks to cullen, or else i'd be refering to myself as "the nose picker" or "the grilled cheese sammich maker" or "the talker" ... hmm i kinda like the grilled cheese one...

anywho, like alix sez, i'm kali... which, by the way, i'm not.
which is a fun topic in and of itself.

see, these days some of my real life friends have been reading my blog. crikeys even my mom snuck a peek for a minute there. she claims she's not going to read anymore. i don't really mind either way, honestly.

so i think i used to have two personas one here online and then the "real" me out there in the real world. but then i started to get honest on this blog. (you remember that doncha?)

and so the two worlds started sorta meshing. and as it turns out, the only real reason i haven't told you all my real name is because, well, you know, the whole internet boogey man coming to my door to kill me dead thing...

but seriously, if you tried hard enough (not that i'm asking you to) you could figure out who i really am. i mean you KNOW WHO I REALLY AM.. but aw fuck you know what i mean.

anyway, that topic just got boring real fast.

anyway, the dirty kali is still over at faster than the world where she belongs. she posts every thursday morning still. pretty soon she's gonna have a threesome. with two dudes. that should be hot.

unless you're a homophobic white man. why white? i dunno, i just love giving you guys a bad rap...

plus if i said "black man" al sharpton would be on my doorstep with his camera crew talking about how well spoken obama is. obama. heh. one letter away from osama. ya. not gonna happen dude.

an artist, a priest, and a uh... well, what am i?

i was going to do the old "an artist a priest and a ----- walk into a bar" joke. i didn't even have a punch line. cuz see, well this weekend i went to an art "opening" of a friend of mine and then straight away to the ordination of another friend.

so it was gonna be me and them walking into a bar. WAIT i just thought of a punchline...
the bartender sez "what can i getcha?"
and the ------ says, "is the coffee fresh?"
bwahahahah.... ok. so it's not that funny but i fucking JUST MADE IT UP EASE OFF OKAY???!?? gosh.

(uhm ya a little manic right now, i'm finally bleeding and i finished my term paper 5 hours early and class in cancelled tonight so i get to go see the jonestown documentary with a cute boy who doesn't hate punk rock in fact he likes it but other stuff too including good movies and daschunds - ya i know he's a total renaissance man)

(oh ya also i applied for this great job that i really really want but i don't even find out whether they're going to interview me for it until next week but shhh i get nervous about jinxing that stuff)

so where was i? oh yes what am i? how am i defined? i could said student but that could not be true as early as next week. maybe i could say addict cuz it's dirty and fun but really not demonstrative of who i am i could say "recovering addict" but doesn't that always sound condescending? i like junkie but i never shot up and "glasshead" just doesn't have the same ring to it. slut i like slut but since i can't even manage to sleep with my exboyfriend and i'm currently creating a thesis in my head about whether or not i should take a friendship to "the next level" i don't think i even qualify as a slut anymore. hmmm.

here. have some priest cake:

can i bleed, please?

crimony if i could just start bleeding it would be like a fricken release valve.
not because i'm worried or anything...
i'd have to be frenchy fuqua to pull some shit off like that...

and if that were true i would market that shit.
i think that's where mary went wrong.
i mean cuz judging from her rags in the mel gibson film
she did NOT invest the gold, frankincense and myrrh very well...

myrrh. heh. that's funny.
i can hear my dad saying "myrrh" ala life of brian.


ok so that's a long clip for the money shot but still i LOVE THAT FILM!!!

uhm where was i? oh ya so ya no way i'm pregnant
speaking of which the boy came over again last night

he needs me to fix a hole in his new jacket. he tore a whole in this great new
work carhart and needs it sewn up. he can't ask his mom to do it because
then he'll have to tell her how ripped it.

he was test driving a go kart that was powered by a drill
(don't ask it was an assignment for one of his engineering classes)
apparently it goes pretty fast.
so ya he wiped the fuck out and got road rash all over his leg.

we sat at the infamous kitchen table and talked.
he brought condoms. heh.
we hugged and i felt something rustling
in his shirt pocket. busted.
i told him i wasn't ready for that yet, if ever...

sex with an ex is way more complicated than you'd think.

so easy to fall into, but then it limits me in my interaction with others
him too.
i mean, if we're not right for each other, than who are we to be keeping each other
from our futures.
does that make any sense?

it weird dealing with this. i hadn't spoken with him in so long that i'd tricked myself into thinking that i dealt with all this stuff.
apparently not. apparently it was just on "pause" until we talked again.
heh.

so anyway, i made him haul all the air conditioners to the basement in exchange for me sewing his jacket. seems fair to me.

and this weekend i'm doing his laundry. for cash.